The Mishaps and Misadventures During Sex

The benefits of sex may seem endless to those who don’t get it often. The lust, passion, excitement and physical bliss feels unparalleled to any other intimate experience. We hate to tarnish your perfect image of sexual encounters, but there are a slew of pitfalls that can tag along with this expression of passion.

After conducting a laborious survey, we have finally established the most dangerous and disappointing situations that can arise whenever it gets hot and heavy under the sheets. Please, be advised men that these things can happen more often than we would ever like to admit. My grandfather once enlightened me at a very young age that not all sex is good sex just like not all wine is good wine. At the time, I had no idea what he meant, but now maturity has helped me to recognize that I should have heeded his warning.

Bed Breakage

 It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt; now we stumble upon the case of bad breakage. This problem can go one of two ways: The corner post can malfunction causing you and your partner to tumble off the side of the bed and potentially endure some damage. Sure, breakage can hint to the fact that your stroke is on point, but tumbling off the bed can end in a broken collar bone or dislocated a shoulder. More additional risks can certainly follow. Think we’re being a bit dramatic? No chance, because we have even witnessed it.

The Shower Power Bomb

 Sex in the shower can be a lot of fun, especially when you add in the elements of steam, soap, and water to enhance the excitement. However, we must caution our readers in the dangers of a specific sex position that should not be executed in the shower. This position requires the man to hold a woman by her legs as she wraps her arms around his neck for support. When fueled by pure testosterone and passion, pulling this move off may initially seem like a great idea. Unfortunately, both partners must be very wary of the obstacles in this particular scenario.

The inclusion of soap, shampoo, or any other substances can make the surface quite slippery and increase the potential for a very dangerous accident. Sadly, I have experienced this turmoil first hand—during prime stroking, I accidently slipped and power bombed my poor girlfriend onto the tile floor. On the other hand, if your girl is a trooper then you two can make it through the pain and embarrassment of the shower power bomb.

 One would assume that the bed would be the single safest sexual environment possible in their respective dwelling. Wrong! Our elite members have unfortunately experienced many instances when a spring popped out of a therapeutic bed during sexual engagement. Let this also serve as a painful reminder of how important monogamy should be to you. We highly recommend you replace the broken mattress ASAP, because no one likes to have an unfriendly reminder of unsafe moments in the bed; that’s simply bad PR.

The Walk In

 Obviously, the most extreme case would be to have your current spouse or partner walk-in on you. Let us just assume that we do not do those kinds of things anymore. However, an unexpected visitor will definitely kill the vibe of your intimate session. As much as sex is a beautiful thing, we prefer not to kiss and tell. Although your girlfriend’s beautiful younger sister may walk in the room, you will most likely not experience the fantasy of a sudden ménage à trois. The Walk-In can be extremely hazardous for your social life; so, we recommend you to keep all doors locked and maybe even appoint a look-out to ensure complete privacy.

The Dick Breaker

Yes, it’s a true and completely terrifying phenomenon. If you do not believe us, search for the catastrophe yourself. Vigorous and athletic sex is amazing, but you must make sure you don’t slip out and break something that’s irreplaceable or impossible to mend. Your sex life will literally screech to an abrupt halt. Miscalculating your insertion can cause one of the saddest things we could ever witness. Do not require us to mourn for your breakage, please avoid the bend and break.

The Paralyzing “Cramp”

 The cramp may be the most common and defeating circumstance during some great sex. There are two types of cramps: the painful sensations caused by muscle contraction or over-shortening, and one executed during pre-mature ejaculation. Both of these cases prove detrimental as they will end your sexual encounter in a heart-beat. Unfortunately, it is nearly impossible to ride out a cramp and remain aroused at the same time.

Similarly, things will have to temporarily end should you ejaculate prematurely. Nonetheless, the cramp will leave you in a very bad and odd spot. If given a second chance, you will be forced to restart the whole encounter, re-enacting foreplay, and finish on a second try. Time-out, shame on you!

The Lalala

This is the most disheartening of all bad sex. Imagine that you have finally got your girl into bed after spending countless time, money, and effort on her. You have been admiring her for years and have finally encountered the moment you have been dreaming of, correct? WRONG! Unfortunately, some of our most promiscuous dates have had an unfortunate circumstance in their own pants.

Men prove to be absolutely horrified at the possibility of stumbling upon a very used and abused vagina. One of our esteemed colleagues coined this moment as the “Lindsay Lohan” after having the unfortunate experience of sleeping with one of the most unattractive boxes known to men. Promiscuity is not entirely attractive; some moderation never hurts.