The 10 Steps of a Drunken Night

Your eyes are blurry, your logic is out the window, and your only concern rests on who you plan on taking home this evening. Yes, we are accurately describing the drunken night; the night you have taken one too many drinks and everyone else does not seem to recognize you anymore. We have all had one of those nights. In the moment, they appear fun, but the morning after is surely a killer for all of us.

Here, at Elite, we are going to go through and break down the 10 stages of a drunken night:

10. This is going to be a good night

At this point, you have had only two drinks in your system and the night is still very young. Everything appears relaxed because great music is playing, you’re hanging out with your closest friends, and you’re flirting with a really cute girl. You can just feel the great energy in the air; so, another drink should not hurt. But, what happens after you have another drink and yet another one after that?

9. The sweat break

How could we forget the preliminary sweat? Once the preliminary sweats start breaking, you know you are in for a good night. It’s not the type of sweat people can see, but you can definitely feel it all around you. The preliminary begins with a slight moist building up on your back, and works its way into your armpits. Eventually, the sweat disintegrates your deodorant until it finally spreads across your forehead.

8. The dancing begins

The really cute girl that you have been eyeing the whole night finally asks you to dance with her. Of course, you cannot decline, but you are probably not the best dancer in the world. Any lack of coordination does not stop you as you bust out every move that you have seen in thriller, and she absolutely loves your performance. Then, you begin to find the odd need to stand on a couch or the table and proceed to dance on it. At this moment, she envisions you as the cutest thing ever and she starts to eye-hump you like no other. Then, you decide to have another drink.

7. You begin outwardly expressing compassion towards your friends

This is the exact point of the night when you start grabbing your friends and tell them how much you claim to love and miss them. You shout out to them that this is the greatest night of your life, and begin to exchange numerous hugs and ‘I love you’ phrases. Basically, you feel like you’re on top of the world.

6. The flirting gets more intense

The girl desires more of your attention and finally pulls you away from your friends. You are pretty much turned on beyond belief, and it is safe to say at this point you have more than a “hard-on” waiting to get pleased. Thus, you have another drink since she makes you take shots with her. At this point, you have already started making out with her and your dress shirt is unbuttoned by three or more buttons. You foolishly take your two fingers to test the waters, and attempt to navigate beneath her skirt.

5. Who are all these people?

After you’re done with your romantic make out session, you realize that you cannot just ditch your friends. So, you turn back to find them, but everyone at your table is gone. Without a familiar face in sight, you start to believe that some guy is giving you a funny look. So, you approach the individual.

4. You’re my new best friend

The same guy you chose to approach eventually becomes your new buddy and you’re pouring shots with him. With your arm around him, you would think he is your new best friend. Soon, you embrace him and his friends, and decide to have another drink with them. This is the unfortunate moment when even if faced with your worst enemy you will proceed to buy them copious amounts of shots. You’ve failed already.

3. Silent reflections

You are now at the very late end of the night, and your system is holding in way too many drinks. You probably have gotten into at least three different fights, or your button down is practically off. You can feel the liquor coming up out of your mouth and your knees feel too woozy. Right about now, you should have excused yourself and sought refuge in a bathroom. Once you find one, you look at yourself in the mirror and can barely recognize yourself. You most likely laugh for a second but then realize, oh no. Right then, you run to the stall, put your two fingers in your mouth, and pull the trigger. Good news—you’ve just enabled yourself to indulge in more drinks. Superman.

2. Let’s go eat

You, the coed, and your friends leave the club. You come up with the ingenious plan to get a late night bite. Of course, everyone agrees with the plan since they are as hungry as barbarians. On the way, you see the sun rising and you don’t feel so good about yourself. Note: if you opt in for the cheap street option prepare to have terrible terrible sex.

1. Where am I??!!!

At this critical moment, you awake with a throbbing headache only to find the true misfortunes of the last evening. As you clear the dust from your eyes, you see a completely unfamiliar environment as you have no clue where you are.  You finally rub your eyes only to see the back of the coed’s head. The best part is the only condom that you had on you last night lies unused on the nightstand, yet the coed’s naked body tells you otherwise. After a while, you start getting dressed, but realize that you only have one shoe. So, you perform the walk of shame with one shoe until you hop into the nearest taxi and ask for the nearest clinic.

Bonus: You’re in a drunken stupor, and as soon your bottle reached the last drop, the beautiful girl by your side simply jumped to the next table. Congratulations. This fury will only lead to WWE style wrestling matches with your friends. Avoid taking the top rope elbow drop off of the table. It will not end well.

Elite.