Decoding: Sh*t Girls Say

As men, sometimes we have a hard time decoding the cryptic language of women. At times, our girlfriends ask us questions or make statements that we just simply brush off because we’re ignorant of the deeper meaning of her words.

For the benefit of our fellow confused male readers, we have compiled a list of a few ambiguous phrases your girlfriend may say at some point during your relationship and decoded them.

Here are some of the most common things that women say. Women have the tendency to expect men to interpret the contextual meanings of their words. If not careful with your interpretations you could put yourself in some serious hot water. We’d rather save the La Perla expense for a real fight.

Girlfriend: So, who was at the party??

Decoded: Your ex was there, wasn’t she!?

Girlfriend: Isn’t my best friend so funny?

Decoded: OMG, you so would f*ck her, wouldn’t you?!

Girlfriend: Jon from work was acting all weird today.

Decoded: Jon is a potential threat to you. I’m a hot commodity and you have to work for my love.

Girlfriend: Oh my God, I would never do that to you!

Decoded: I’m f*cking your best friend.

Girlfriend: I’m not like that; I’m not a whore.

Decoded: Disclaimer – I am a whore and I have done this too many times.

Girlfriend: That girl is so trashy and disgusting.

Decoded: God, I wish I had a body like that…

Girlfriend: What do you even do during “guys night”?

Decoded: Who are you f*cking behind my back?

Girlfriend: I want you to meet my best friend Stacy

Decoded: This is my best friend, Stacy… We explored our bisexuality together in college. Stacy knows all the details about our sex life and relationship. I even informed her of the time you cried to me. I want her to meet you so she can validate your attractiveness.

Girlfriend: I have to be up super early tomorrow morning.

Decoded: No sex for you tonight sorry.

Girlfriend: What’s your ex-girlfriends name again?

Decoded: I need to know her name so I can stalk her on Facebook and make sure she is not contacting you.

Girlfriend: I think I’m going to start Barry’s Boot Camp

Decoded: Do you think I’m fat??!

Girlfriend: Lets cuddle first

Decoded: No sex tonight

Girlfriend: I’m fine!

Decoded: I’m not fine. I don’t even recall what you said or did to piss me off this much, but I will hold this as a grudge against you.

Girlfriend: Stacy’s boyfriend just broke up with her.

Decoded: Stacy is coming over tonight–which means you’re not getting any sex and you better feign interest in her ordeal as I ignore you all night.

Girlfriend: Let’s order pizza and stay in tonight.

Decoded: I’ll feel too bloated for sex tonight and I’m turning on the Notebook

Girlfriend: I’m so tired

Decoded: No sex tonight.

Elite.