The 10 Strip Club Laws

Whether you’re into them or not, strip clubs are an integral part of world culture, and the first attendance is even considered a rite of passage for most men. Regardless of your moral reservations, you’re likely to venture inside a strip club at some point–whether you’re taking a huge client out or just being dragged there by the guys. Consider these ten unspoken rules of this unique social setting.

10. Thou shall not kiss her or ask for her number

We have seen this too many times before. Men actually ask for these strippers numbers! What they want to do what with them exactly we have no idea?! This is not the girl you bring home to your mother and please refrain from kissing this stripper as we understand that STD’s can be spread in other areas aside from your genitals. It’s not pretty, and you can’t get away with that cold sore excuse at the office for long.

9. Thou shall not compliment the dancer on her perfume

That baby-powder, Windex-y stench is actually antibacterial spray strippers coat themselves with to prevent getting cooties from guys like you… rookie. It’s not any expensive perfume like Chanel so you’d be well suited to reserve your compliment, as she’ll just find humor in your ignorance.

8. Thou shall tip Towel Man in the bathroom

You may think he has the coolest job you could ever fathom. You are horribly misguided — he’s parked right next to a sticky shaker of Gold Bond and has to listen to wasted horny guys piss all night. Throw the man a couple of bucks, too.

7. Thou shall appreciate pole skills

Nothing is more distinctly depressing than a woman showing off her ability to climb up a cold metal rod. Tipping entirely upside down using the awesome strength of her thigh and ab muscles, and then merely having the audience elicit an unenthused “pssh”-aw at such a feat. You don’t have to buy lap dances from her or become her biggest fan. But a nice golf clap or a “Way to go!” would be appreciated. Encourage the art form to stay alive.

6. Thou shall not inquire for her “real” name

You may think you’re extra super special tonight: You’re different from any other trick she’s encountered. You’re nice and normal… not creepy and predatory like that other rich fat guy in the corner — right? Resist the urge to pry for details on your favorite dancers’ “true selves.” A major part of the job consists of adopting a fake fantasy persona. How is it going to help you to know that her name is Erin, not “Heidi,” anyway? Do you actually think it is going to make you feel more special from the 10000 other clients and erections she has given?

5. Thou shall not regard her to be a prostitute

We’ve heard that “Only the best tippers get hand jobs,” and this does truly vary depending on your venue of choice-. Just don’t have any expectations for strippers to moonlight as hookers. If you hit a legitimate establishment, you will be sorely disappointed at the end of the night. Depending on your persistence (read: desperation) you may or may not go totally broke trying to push the dancers’ limits. Apparently strippers do have some respect for themselves and do consider them better than prostitutes.

Note: This does not apply in any other country but America. Everywhere else strippers are synonymous hookers.

4. Thou shall go to private rooms with caution

After all the politically incorrect shit we spew, we’re still uncomfortable talking about this. Let’s just say “private rooms” can be the best four hundred dollars you’ve ever, if you like to do things like spend four hundred dollars for thirty minutes of attention from a woman. For others, they can be a total joke. All that’s going to happen is that you are going to walk out with an even more intense erection than you originally had. Even in the best case scenario all you would be left with is an embarrassing stain on your crotch signifying your weakness.

Remain aware that you can change your mind once you enter lame “Private Room” and realize you’re wasting your cash. Just say, “Sorry, this isn’t what I thought it’d be”. You may be confronted with club’s PR people. They’re better than a mean-looking bouncer and will attempt to coerce you in every which way for you to foolishly cough up your hard earned money.

3. Thou shall not attend by your lonesome

This is, of course, unless you’re having serious marital problems or need to get a fix for your stripper addiction (sorry!). There is no reason for you to go to a strip club alone. If you really need, go find yourself a massage parlor to get a happy ending.

Note: May we recommend West Gardens Spa - 243 West 30th St NY, NY.

2. Thou shall not fall in love with a stripper

Don’t be like T-Pain. Sure, most dancers probably do possess some capabilities to love and express emotion. More often than not, however, this is just a recipe for a wasted-paycheck disaster. (Not to mention a surefire indication that you are being afflicted by a stripper addiction.) As we discussed in point #6, these women are getting paid more in an hour than your 20-year-old ass ever made for being actresses. You will most likely be dubbed a “regular” and not a “lover,” no matter how hard your romantic heart tries.

Also, don’t ever feel bad for her or ask her why she is doing this. Most likely she will con you into making you feel sorry for her by telling you she is only doing this to pay for school, yet she looks 36 years old.

1. Thou shall not bust during a lap dance

The strip club is a capitalist fantasy land where you can exchange money for tangible attention and a temporary enhancement of your masculinity. Yes, we have seen this too many times before where a man has actually prematurely ejaculated from getting a lapdance. Of course you caught in the heat of the moment and a huge naked ass is grinding on your penis, but there is nothing more embarrassing then her touching your crotch and feeling a huge wet spot. Control your urges and do what ever you must to keep restrained. May we suggest the thought of cold showers and retirement homes.  Should you not be able to control yourself, we can assure you that the cab ride home might not be too comfortable and your social credibility has just plummeted harder than the Lehmen Brothers in 08′.

Bonus: Never, and we mean NEVER kiss a stripper. We must reiterate this fact several times over. This vile act alone will leave your psychological state rattled for days to come. It tastes like cigarettes and Winterfresh chewing gum. Trust us, you dont want it.

Elite.