Would You Date: The Jewish Girl

This week on the “Would You Date Series” we will be placing Jewish women under the microscope. Continuing our series of divulging the secrets of women of our own culture, we now address the Jewish girl, who has certainly been lusted over by an immense population of men. Every man will encounter one of these upstanding paragons of femininity at some point, and it is our duty to ensure you are prepared for the experience. Tread carefully and be sure to heed my word.

Please keep in mind that this superficial analysis is solely based on several personal experiences, and no two women are the same.  I am simply an upstanding Jewish gentleman sharing positive and negative experiences with Jewish women. It is quite probable that you might not necessarily have an experience reflective of this piece. Nonetheless, I feel I have composed an accurate account of my experiences that certainly stands as valid opinion.

This is an analysis of American Jewish girls. Jewish girls from Israel are an entirely different tier.

Brief Overview:

Ah, the Jewish girl. The amiable, innocuous angel we all cherish and yearn for. These are the women any true gentleman would deem felicitous for making the acquaintance of his mother. Jewish girls are altruistic and charming, possessing an essence unmatched by any other. A Jewish girl would be any man’s ideal partner when starting a family comes to mind.

Jewish women are dependable and allegiant, exuding a level of care unmatched by any other group of females. They possess the capability to comfort you in ways you never thought imaginable. We would peg Jewish girls as no less than beautiful, but not quite “hot”. If asked to quantify their beauty on a scale, we’d place them around an 8.346. Yes, we rounded to the decimal.

Pros-

Considering the extensive knowledge of Jewish women I’ve acquired over the years, I feel I can appropriately and accurately relay their pros like only an insider would. These lovely princesses are some of the most wholesome women you’ll come across due to the demands of Judaism, which enforces an adoption of admirable values and always err on the side of morality. You can rest assured that you’re dealing with a Godly female; she’s likely been partaking in religious education in a Jewish study school since childhood and visits temple only on high holidays.

Jewish women typically originate from upstanding households and possess a level of maturity far beyond the typical harlot who frequents clubs. They are also quite prone to commit to a relationship. When you settle into a relationship, anticipate that she will be devoted to you for quite an extensive period. Her fidelity can be positive or negative depending on your intentions in the scenario. This is also beneficial, because you have no need to worry that your beau was a strumpet in her past. She will remain under the assumption that you are supposed to accommodate her needs, but rest assured that your courtesy would be reciprocated tenfold. When you are facing illness she will offer kind gestures such as providing soup, nursing you to health, and massaging your ailing body. They thoroughly love caring for their man once enamored.

Your potential beau is likely to have attended 1 of these 5 universities: University Of Michigan, University Of Miami, Boston University, NYU, or University Of Arizona. If Jewish girls fit your fancy, you’d pick them out of the alumni from one of these schools. What is the cause of this phenomenon, one might wonder? The reason is simple. Close to 90 percent of these women previously held membership in the sorority SDT, or Sigma Delta Tau—colloquially known as the Jewish sorority. Membership in this sorority indicates that she was one of the most energetic partygoers at her university and imbibed massive quantities of inebriant—assuring an entertaining night out at a plethora of venue choices.

Jewish women are also apt social chameleons—versatile and adaptable in a wide variety of social settings. They can be the most outrageous girl at the party on any given evening and still be seen donning a skirt grazing against her shins on more cordial occasions. Their ability to discern the appropriate attire ensures that she will impress your mother upon introduction.

You can also expect her to feed you hummus on any given occasion.

Thankfully, the sex will undoubtedly be amazing. You are almost certain to wait a minimum of three weeks to bed her, since these women are far more conservative than your typical club floozy. Simply avoid all actions that would cause emotional trauma and you will remain on the fast track to coital bliss. As you’ll almost certainly be committed to this woman, she’s likely to allow you to forgo the condom as birth control is considered vitamin C. Since these girls value coitus much more than oral sex you will receive a further benefit through their willingness to perform this beloved act. I don’t particularly understand this train of thought, but I’m certainly not protesting the activity. I would think kosher girls would refrain from messing with sausage, but apparently not. One member even recounts having the act preformed on him twice in one sitting.

They love performing fellatio and are quite masterful in their craft. She will bestow upon you a pleasurable feeling so powerful that you’ll lose feeling in your lower extremities. If you net yourself a Jewish American princess from Roslyn donning Juicy Couture sweatpants your glans will be in heaven.

Cons-

Just like with all our previous editions we’re positive we’ve enamored you to the extent of scrambling to Facebook and searching for every girl with the last name “Cohen” or a last name ending with the telling “itz”. Not so fast, Elite. Consider our list of cons–hosting some negatives so gruesome you’d rather endure a second circumcision.

First and foremost, some of these women have been spoiled from childhood and are extremely insecure to an extent you couldn’t even fathom. Every word you utter will be over-analyzed and further her insecurity. Many also suffer from severe anxiety that will burden the relationship and push your limits towards insanity. You’ll find that your beau will incessantly crave attention beyond the normal necessities of women. If you do not take the appropriate steps to console her insecure mind, then she’ll make claims of depression and become irrationally jealous.

Unfortunately the combination of her extreme care and devotion with her insecurity demonstrates that she will be extremely overprotective. She will experience paranoia to the extent that she deems it fitting to peruse your phone, email, and Facebook if presented with the opportunity. Ensure that you have a strong password in place. A delayed response via text message will elicit a response so disproportionately angry that you’ll be left befuddled.

The first thought that crosses her mind in this situation is infidelity and you will be subject to perpetual accusations of engaging other women. You will be left sifting through a lengthy 5-scroll message proclaiming you lack appreciation for her for something as frivolous as cancelling dinner due to a late night at the office. Even a simple night out with the gentlemen seems to warrant feelings of dejection in their minds. Be prepared for the “you always put everything else before me” text as well. You will be questioning your sanity in a few short weeks.

The loyalty I addressed as a pro is extremely conditional. Yes, during the lustrous honeymoon stage of your relationship everything will seem glorious. However, once her insecurity begins to consume her mind she will return to her partying roots and cheat based on irrational speculation. She will be surrounded by men adorning her with attention—making the claim that they are simply “guy friends”. She must either be dense or just plain naïve. These “friends” have been awaiting an opportunity to pounce on her for an extensive period, and do not believe that they will hesitate to capitalize when the opportunity presents itself. These are not gentlemen like you, but puerile slime balls. When questioned about their infidelity, I’ve heard one of two responses from many different women: “He shouldn’t have pissed me off” or “I drank way too much last night”, each was said with the slightest bit of shame.

Some of these girls are also contemptibly spiteful. When your relationship sours, which it eventually will, they will attempt to exact revenge by sleeping with one of your close friends—true “homie hopper” activity. Or even find a new boyfriend within 72 hours of your break up. Remember when I said the extensive relationships you become locked in with these women are both positive and negative? Yeah, here’s the negative aspect. You occupy two possible positions with these women. The first is that of the man she is absolutely enthralled with. I have previously explained why this will eventually be a negative. The second, less favorable position is that of the rebound she acquires after her breakup, essentially leaving you as a replacement for her lost love.

Who can forget the aspect of the nose that these women sometimes posses. It isn’t called a Jewish nose for no reason. The nose can be so big sometimes you might have to succumb to kiss her from a different angle. They will text you every living moment and even go as far as turn you against your friends, we have seen this happen countless times. Their anxiety instilled a fear in them in which the term “I don’t want to be controlled” becomes a rebuttal to anything you ever say. Get ready for A LOT of quarreling.

 

In addition, these women love to take a thousand pictures on any given night out so be prepared for a lot of manual labor in the untagging department on Facebook.

Lastly, these girls are violent if a fight ever escalates they will start trying to hit you and throw things at you. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. These beautiful, pure hearted women are in high demand but she will have you clamoring for a mental health clinic in the end.

Elite.