The Girls You Should Not Be Friends With

It is always beneficial to have a few close female friends. These valuable female companions can provide you with excellent insight into the mind of the elusive woman. In terms of wingman capabilities, she’ll be a significantly more valuable companion than your drunken buddy who has a preference for being entertained by Vegas hookers.

Yes, we know, we all love to have our female friends with additional “benefits” but, for once, try to curb your desires. The ability to maintain a platonic relationship is reflective of normal social development–so cease your attempts to escape the friend zone all the time. It also shows that you’re not simply a perverse individual who maintains friendships with women solely in the pursuit of sexual gratification.

All of that aside, here are four types of girls you should never befriend… but probably already have.

The Dumb Drunk

Somehow surprising to some, there are plenty of women who make incredibly puerile decisions when intoxicated. You do not want to befriend a woman like this at any cost, and if you already have, be sure to expressly cease all communication. Dumb drunks—male or female—are annoying, but women pose potential additional dangers that you will be forced to handle. A drunk woman is placed in a much more precarious situation than her male counterpart, and if she makes the wrong choice, it could be utterly tragic.

Ponder this for a few moments: she could leave with a drunk scumbag seeking to capitalize off her inebriation, lose her way and be unable to navigate home, or simply vomit the last week’s meals everywhere. Not only that, but if she’s your friend, there’s a high probability that your night will culminate in disappointment.  When she goes astray and gets lost on the wrong side of town, on whom do you think she will depend to retrieve her at 3 a.m.? At this point, you’re also very likely to engage in horrific drunk sex with less rhythm than William Hung from American Idol–who garnered fame through his poorly performed rendition of “She Bangs”.

The fact that she relishes in her drunken indulgence will also be the ultimate turn off. She’ll certainly be partaking in way too many one-night stands, dragging you down with the negative press associated with her name.

The Hater

Things have only remained platonic with her because you haven’t bothered to push the envelope. You may be unaware, but this girl is a hater seeking to make you hers. She may feign friendly relations, even knocking back a few brews with you as if she were a male companion. Her bias will manifest itself once you start to pursue a new love interest.

As a matter of fact, it is almost certain that she’ll take an issue with every girl you date. In extreme cases, she’ll go out of her way to sabotage your relationships. If upon reading this you recognize some similarities in a companion of yours, cut all ties. She’s a cancer and needs to be cut out at the root, as her blatant self-interest will be detrimental to your friendship with her and your future love life.

 The Drama Queen

There’s no need for a lengthy introduction for this female friend–we all know and despise her. Everything in her life is dramatized to the extent that you’d assume she’s living in a soap opera. Everything. Even upon waking in the morning something is already depressing or angering her. She’s like Eeyore, equipped with a black cloud over her head that will destroy her happiness and yours.  The most frustrating part about a friendship with a drama queen is that she requires the attention of her loyal subjects to traverse her troubles.

Personally, we know you couldn’t care less that she encountered some woman donning the same dress as her last night. Nonetheless, she doesn’t care and will inform you regardless. Great. She’s simply using friends as a sounding board, and unless your comfortable with that agonizing scenario, we suggest you jump ship.

The Rich Heiress

From a practical perspective, it would seem that every guy would want this type of friend. Beware, gentlemen. These women are usually extremely snobby and unimpressionable. As she already possesses the capability to acquire whatever she desires, no gesture of yours will ever be impressive enough.  They are prone to being extremely contentious and antagonistic and will create problems with whomever you introduce them to–simply because they believe they are on a higher social tier.

They will always make odd fashion choices that defy logic because they envision themselves as fashion-forward pioneers due to their wealth, but this only makes them look pompous. They will also refuse to dine anywhere except the finest restaurants and expect you to pay, making her friendship an added expense. The sex is guaranteed to be horrible as well as she is too egoistic to care about the pleasure of another.

Elite.