Decoding: Lies That Men Tell Women

Last week, we used our uncanny deciphering skills to accurately decode women’s language. Thus, in the interest of fairness, we must explore the opposite end of the spectrum and decode the top lies that men tell innocent women. The difference between the lies that men tell and those of women is like night and day.

Women are apt to lie about their weight, mental state and how much they spent on their latest shopping spree. With men it’s a WHOLE different ball game. Women take the entire rap for being manipulators, but men can certainly be twice as malicious when pursuing a goal. I think we can all discern what this goal is.

We suggest that you print this article out and keep it on you at all times. You will never know when you need to refer to it.

“I don’t have a girlfriend, we broke up”

Translation: I do indeed have a girlfriend. We’ve been together for a rather extensive period of time, but I am quickly tiring of her and wish to acquire a new mistress.

Translation: I am actually extremely intoxicated. I’m just drunkenly relaying this false information to make you feel more comfortable with me taking you home.

“She was no where as good as you are”

Translation: The oral sex I receive is utterly abysmal, and I absolutely hate it when you graze your teeth against me when you’re in the act.

“My Battery Died” or “I Had No Signal”

Translation: I took the initiative to issue myself a hall pass and just met a 19-year-old fashion student to please me in ways you have failed to match.

“That dress doesn’t make you look fat at all”

Translation: That dress is less than flattering! Perhaps you should don a smock this evening…

“I’m not looking for a relationship right now”

Translation: I’m completely uninterested in a relationship with YOU right now, but, while I find my princess, you can serve to please me.

“I don’t want to talk about it”

Translation: This is the male equivalent of the iconic lie “I’m fine” from women.  I am actually dying to discuss this urgent matter with you.

“I’m not just interested in you because of the sex”

Translation: I don’t entertain you JUST for sex… I love fellatio as well!

“I always wear a condom”

Translation: I always wear a condom when required to, but I will plead against it incessantly. I have a 98% success rate.

“I’m leaving her for you”

Translation: I haven’t decided what action to take with you two, but in the meantime, I am seeking a solution to help balance you both.

“I don’t think she’s that pretty or even hot”

Translation: Dear Lord, I would absolutely ravage that woman if the opportunity ever presented itself.

“I promise….”

Translation: Whatever I am about to say is absolutely false. It is rather likely that I am seeking sexual gratification at this time, meaning I’d happily agree to whatever unrealistic terms you set forth. Please do not expect my opinion to remain unchanged after orgasm, however.

“I just got tested”

Translation: I have never graced one of those lowly clinics with my presence, and after the plethora of one night stands I’ve had, even I find the cleanliness of my genitalia to be questionable.

Elite.