How To Cover Up Getting Caught

After the critical acclaim surrounding last week’s article, “Ways to beg your girlfriend for forgiveness”, we have decided to provide proven strategies to damage control the aftermath of you getting caught cheating. During our field study, we came to the realization that men make rather foolish mistakes not only in regards to cheating, but also in how they handle the situation when they are “caught”.

Remember, just like with every “crime”, you are innocent until proven guilty. She will try her hardest to prove your guilt, but it’s your job to protect yourself and be your own lawyer.

The difference between damage control and begging for forgiveness is that in the process of seeking forgiveness, you have unfortunately admitted to your sins. When you damage control, you withhold as much information as possible to prevent a negative outcome. Some might consider withholding information to be a “lie of omission”, but we see it as Elite strategizing. Almost all of us have experienced this. In one way or another, whether a big or small indiscretion, we have all gotten caught by our girlfriends doing SOMETHING wrong, and the smarter ones have successfully damage controlled the situation. For our readers lacking this crucial skill here is our successful strategy to save your hide.

Deny till you die

Good to begin with the most common one of all, but the one that gets forgotten the most. We don’t care if she has found naked pictures in your phone or a blown out condom in your trouser pocket–you will deny until you die. She will try to get you to admit to your wrongdoing, but as long as she can’t prove it, you must keep denying, denying and denying. Keep telling her she is wrong and absolutely bordering on insanity with her claims. She will keep bringing it up, but you must keep denying you will never ever show your cards.

It will be her goal to get you to admit to it, so do not fall for the bold traps she’ll lay to catch your misdeeds.  Stick to your story and do not ever slip up. She will try to coax you into admitting something through reverse psychology, saying ” I know all about it” and other false, bold claims.  Do not fall for her boasts.

Never change the story

The difference between the successful damage controllers and the failures is the successful ones NEVER change the story. Practice your story as if you’re attempting to put on an Oscar winning performance. Look, Bill Clinton changed the story midway through the investigation with Monica Lewinski and look what happened to him. Now OJ, he stuck with the same story through out the whole thing and successfully damage controlled a far worse scenario.

Thus, you shall never change the story as well. Whatever your original story was–no matter or ridiculous or how unbelievable–you must stick with it throughout the whole thing. It is for this reason that you must be prudent and, if possible, come up with a lie that actually has some logic behind it. You’re Elite, not pedestrian. Use your overwhelming intelligence to aid in damage control. Remember, the slightest change in plot will derail your whole story and you will end up in Bill Clinton’s shoes, not yelling, “I got away with it!”.

Cross your x’s and o’s

This is where the slip in the crack is. Women are investigators and will go and question all your friends about what they know and if they have witnessed your misdeeds. Whatever excuse, story or plot you have given her, be sure to inform your close pals so they know how to cover for you when they are being investigated.

Reverse Psychology

This one works like a charm. When being accused of sinful acts and banging out a coed, play the reverse psychology game and switch everything around on her. Use quotes such as these:

“I cant believe you would even think that”

“I work so hard everyday just for us to live a comfortable life”

“I try so hard to make you happy”

“How dare you question my loyalty”

“You are ridiculous”

“This is your stupid friends putting immature thoughts in your head”

Just keep going in circles with those quotes and it should work like a charm.

Have an alibi

This one is the key. Whether you need a family member to proclaim that you were in their presence the whole time or you need to have your co-workers say you were stuck in a late meeting, you need an alibi in this situation.

Elite.