The exact definition of a “celibate” marriage can vary depending on an individual’s threshold. Some consider a marriage in which intimacy takes place once a month as celibate. Others, including relationship expert Susan Yager-Berkowitz, feel that, "If a couple is content with intimacy less than once a month, and happily married, I doubt they would refer to themselves as having a celibate marriage."
Even if there is no perfect consensus on the definition of a celibate marriage, however, everyone seems to agree that they’re common. No less than celebrity relationship expert Dr. Phil has proclaimed, “Celibate marriages are an undeniable epidemic.” Newsweek has estimated that about 15 to 20 percent of couples are in one. And in 2009, The New York Times reported that about 15 percent of married couples had not been intimate in six months to a year.
Why should we be concerned about the “epidemic” of celibate marriages? As Professor Denise A. Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University told The New York Times, “In my 1993 study, I did find that people in celibate marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in non-celibate marriages. There is no ideal frequency of intimacy— the ideal level is what both partners are happy with — but when one (or both) are unhappy, then you can have marital problems.”
Addressing the problem is a serious and complicated challenge. “Once a marriage has been celibate for a long time, it’s very hard to rekindle it,” says Professor Donnelly. “There are mixed opinions about what to do to rekindle physical intimacy… The sad fact is that there are few counseling professionals that deal with this issue. Often, marriage counselors focus on other aspects, rather than physical intimacy. While these other aspects may play a big role in marital celibacy, talking explicitly about intimacy is essential.”
Clearly, celibate marriage is a topic that needs to be discussed more—and on VibrantNation.com, the leading online community for women over 50, it is. A safe place online to discuss the full range of issues that matter most to women at midlife, Vibrant Nation has a love and relationships forum in which many conversations take place about long-term marriages in which physical intimacy has become almost or entirely nonexistent. Vibrant Nation members receive comfort from knowing that they are not alone in this problem—but perhaps more importantly, they also receive support in the form of specific, practical advice from the true love and relationship experts: other midlife women who have been in their shoes.
In the most recent and striking example, one Vibrant Nation member started a conversation on Vibrant Nation about her celibate marriage:
“Until about a week ago, not even my closest friend and confidant knew what I’m about to say. I’m celibate, and it’s not by choice. I’m 52, married 13 years. My life is good, except for this one thing, and it’s a big thing. Everybody thinks we have the perfect relationship. I’ve seduced, screamed, pleaded, threatened, loved, cried, begged, asked nicely. I’ve prayed. I am not sure how to end this confession, except to ask what is next. When I think about walking out, I know that I would miss him immensely.”
Although Geraldine’s problem was certainly not unique, her courage and candor, and the enormous outpouring of support and practical advice she received from the Vibrant Nation community, are probably unusual. The result of that first post: full online documentation, almost in real time on VibrantNation.com, of Geraldine’s inspiring three-month journey with her husband from celibate marriage to physically intimate and satisfying marriage.
Three weeks after her first post, Geraldine reported that she had applied ten specific strategies recommended on Vibrant Nation, and had a breakthrough: “I walked away from the conversation with my husband feeling different about our relationship, and although I didn’t know it at the time, so did my husband.”
Three months later, she posted this update: “Intimacy is very good, and intimacy is often, and intimacy is often very good! I never thought those words would be part of any conversation about my marriage, but there they are.”
Learn how one midlife woman accomplished this remarkable transformation of a marriage that had been celibate for years. Download the free Vibrant Nation Special Report, How to save a celibate marriage: 10 strategies that helped one woman rekindle her loving but troubled long-term relationship (A true story) http://www.vibrantnation.com/?p=127946 and receive a special case study in which the advice of the real-life love and relationship experts, the midlife women of the Vibrant Nation community, helped to rekindle a loving, yet desperately troubled marriage.
About VibrantNation.com
Vibrant Nation is the leading online community for women 50+ - the safe place where midlife women can connect with other women like themselves on issues unique to their stage of life. And it’s a community for vibrant women only. In addition to Special Reports, Vibrant Nation publishes conversations and weblogs about a variety of topics, from work & money, to fashion & beauty, from love & marriage, to family & relationships. VibrantNation.com is the reliable online source for information, inspiration and peer support for 50 million women over 50.
Everything about a woman’s life after 50 is part of the ongoing conversation at VibrantNation.com, including love and relationships for women after 50. Because Vibrant Nation members and contributors look to their peers for information and support about the things that matter most at midlife, Vibrant Nation editors produced this helpful Special Report to share the community’s best advice on reviving a celibate marriage — advice that has been demonstrated to work.
Contact:
Cara Reynolds
Vibrant Nation
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Louisville, KY 40203
502-568-5555
