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The Bottom 10 Cigars of 2009 Announced!
The Bottom 10 Cigars of 2009 Announced!
Many cigar makers work their entire lives attempting to create cigar perfection. But what often goes unappreciated is the true talent required to make the industry’s worst cigars. In case you think we’ve lost one too many balls in the high weeds, remember this: like a cheesy movie, a bad cigar can be marvelous in some ways. To be sure, only masters of the lost art of making shoddy cigars can hope to reach the swampy borderlands of ‘Worst Cigar’ honors. As one humble cigar manufacturer noted, “My fren, making a good cigar is easy….but I had to learn how to make a bad one.” (Truly, this gentleman has much to be humble about.) But there are some customers who count themselves as members of a select group: shoddy cigar fans. Annual meetings are held in phone booths, and one year the group took up two whole booths in the back of a Denny’s.
So faced with the daunting task of tasting 1,000 cigars to determine the very worst, we conscripted five hapless individuals to form our expert tasting panel. Unbiased by cheesy bands and hopelessly goofy artwork, the crew went to work. Only cigars scoring 30 points or below (out of 100) were even considered, a rarified group of blends composed largely of plugged no-burners featuring unmistakably acrid flavors, foul aromas, and regrettable appearances was identified. After some harrowing experiences and long periods of constant nausea, the relentless assault on their palates – not to mention their self-respect and integrity – ended. After emerging from the boardroom, the majority looking haggard, drawn and jaundiced, our panelists had whittled the list down to the best losers of them all. The results are in….we are “pleased” to unveil the 2009 list of the World’s Worst Cigars.
10.Vieja Hacienda Belicoso (6" x 48)
Rating: 25
Tasting Panel Highlight: “I heard this cigar was blended and created by
a dentist from Peoria, IL - that explains a lot.”
9. Raji’s Untimely Demise Churchill (7" x 50)
Rating: 22
Tasting Panel Highlight: “Hints of head cheese complemented by notes
of carpet mold.”
8. Piloto Cubano Torpedo (6.5" x 50)
Rating: 22
Tasting Panel Highlight: “This reminds me of my time in Bermuda: a
gritty, sandy mouth feel coupled with nuances of coconut and suntan
lotion.”
7. Memoria de Cuba Robusto (5" x 50)
Rating: 19
Tasting Panel Highlight: “Considering the name, I assumed this cigar
would be Cuban-esque. But after smoking, Cuba only comes to mind if
Cuba were 3-day old roadkill covered in raw sewage.”
6. Gerant’s Golden Siesta Churchill (7" x 50)
Rating: 17
Tasting Panel Highlight: “A nuanced medley of flavors including
trench-foot, crotch-rot and after-birth.”
5. Oro Cubano Toro (6" x 48)
Rating: 16
Tasting Panel Highlight: “Its appearance elicited both sympathy and
shame, and caused me to avert my glance away, as from a bum in the
street.”
4. Hesitant Pirate Churchill (7" x 50)
Rating: 16
Tasting Panel Highlight: “The interplay of exhaust fumes, garlic, bleach
and mushrooms was, er, somewhat unique.”
3. Ron Mexico Churchill (7" x 50)
Rating: 8
Tasting Panel Highlight: “If you want a glimpse into my nightmares,
look no further.”
2. Pirata Churchill (7" x 50)
Rating: 4
Tasting Panel Highlight: “Editors Note: comments were illegible due to
excessive vomit and diarrhea stains on panelist’s scorecard.”
1. Don Smith Churchill (7" x 50)
Rating: 0
Tasting Panel Highlight: “This is a first for me. I found a Snausage and
a Jolly Rancher rolled into the cigar. They began to cook as it burned.”
