How did you become a Stay at Home Dad?

Recently I’ve gotten a few obnoxious e-mails from Redbook magazine.  They’re collecting stories about stay at home dads who became stay at home dads after first being working dads, then switching places with their wives, and finally, who are now considering going back to work (or something like that).  In any case, the criteria for a submission does not apply to me.  I wrote back to them twice, first politely saying it didn’t apply to me but that I’d be happy to let them know my story.  Then I had to tell them to shove off when I got the same e-mail a second time (clearly a form letter).  My annoyance with Redbook aside, it got me thinking of all the varied ways that we became stay at home dads.  Redbook wanted a specific kind of stay at home dad which I am not.  Being a stay at home dad because of losing a job or, otherwise, simply for experimentation is completely legitimate, but I think it’s been overdone by the media. We all have unique stories to tell.  Being a stay at home dad is not always done grudgingly.  Some of us, like me, do it because it’s what we’ve always wanted to do.  I wasn’t forced into this role; I do it because it makes me happy.   

My Story: The Short Version      

8 Years ago I owned and operated a martial arts academy in Texas, and Mely worked at American Airlines.  When she had Neil and was on maternity leave, we decided it would be best if she just didn’t go back to work at all.  Instead we began working together to run the academy.  We had fun for almost two years together.  During those two years Alan, our second, came along. Our family complete, Mely taught a cardio kickboxing class and I was the Tae Kwon Do instructor and oversaw the Muay Thai classes.  When one of us was working the other would take care of the kids.  But, then, because I’m not such a great business person, we ran out of money and had to sell the academy.  That left us both unemployed.  After several months of unemployment Mely went to work and I became a permanent stay at home dad.  Alan was just 3 months old and Neil was 21 months old at the time.   

Why Did I Stay at Home?      

Two reasons.  First, I’m good at it; I want to be a stay at home dad.  I’ve always wanted to be at home taking care of the kids.  I worked a few standard analyst jobs before Neil and Alan, and it wasn’t for me.  I don’t take orders and rules well, and my coworkers, in my mind, were a bunch on incompetents.  The office was torture for me.  My passion has always been education.  However, I worked for a year and a half as a teacher in the DISD and that was just as bad as an office thanks to the bureaucracy.   The second reason for me to stay at home is that Mely is more employable.  She’s a lawyer and a construction project manager.  She works well with others and doesn’t mind suffering fools.  Damn it, people like her, and she likes people!  The bottom line here is that the traditional stereotypes about men and women did not, nor do they, apply to us.  I’m the nurturing one in our family.  It’s just the way it turned out.  Once we accepted it, everything seems to have fallen into place.  I get to do what I’m good at, and we’re all, apart from typical familiar snags, happy with the arrangement.   

Just Like Stay at Home Moms:      

Soon, hopefully soon, being a stay at home dad will be as accepted as being a stay at home mom.  I understand how, at least for now, people like me can get questioned about our manliness and authenticity.  I understand because stay at home dads are still a bit of a novelty.  But, as more and more men accept who they are and aren’t afraid to say they like building forts, cooking meals and dragging the kids to the mall, being a stay at home dad won’t attract cockeyed looks.  We’re weird simply because men and women, for the most part, don’t consciously sit down to contemplate their true natures.  “Am I meant to be in an office?”  or “Who says I have to be at home with the kids?”  “Maybe I should talk to (insert spouse’s name) about it.”  When more people take stock and accept who they are – we stay at home dads won’t be so strange.  Until then though… . That’s just the way life goes.   

Redbook isn’t wrong to ask for stories from men who were temporary stay at home dads.  I said it before, there’s nothing wrong with that variety of dad.  We do what we do so our families stay intact and we can have good lives.  I wish, however, that we could hear the whole panoply of voices.  It might give others a better idea of why we’re all doing what we’re doing.  Someday we’ll be understood.  Just not yet.