Preparing for a Sibling

The fertility rate in the United States is steady at 2.1 kids per woman (it’s slightly higher among immigrants though).  That’s at replacement level.  However, women in the poor countries of Guinea-Bissau and Liberia can expect to have between 7 and 8 children in a lifetime.  There are a lot of factors that go into determining the number of kids a woman is going to have in her life, but two of the biggest are education and financial stability.  Educated people don’t generally have kids unless they can afford them and can care for their psychological needs.  When financially stable, educated people think of having additional kids one of their first considerations is how the new baby is going to impact his older siblings.  In countries where just surviving is an accomplishment, asking if older children feel neglected after the birth of a brother or sister is an absurd waste of time.  Death rates in some of these high birthrate poor countries are ridiculously high.  Mothers simply cannot afford to get as attached to their children as mothers do who live in countries where the chance of losing a baby is slim.  Worrying about sibling rivalries is the least of their problems.   Birth rates and death rates are tightly correlated with economic freedom and education.  We, in developed countries, have the luxury of pouring ourselves into questions of child psychology while women in poor countries spend all day thinking about how to feed 8 kids.  On first glance it might seem like psychological questions of this nature are trivial.  They aren’t; we just have the luxury to consider them whereas many people, to their societal detriment, don’t.     

Sibling Rivalry and Preparing the Family          

The University of Michigan has a comprehensive and well researched guide to preparing young children for new babies.  For anybody who is going to have a new baby or who has recently had a baby and wants to know how to introduce the baby to siblings, here is the link.  I read it and immediately realized that a lot more goes into preparing kids for new brothers and sisters than I initially thought.  But, wait, I have two kids.  Why didn’t I have to go through any of this stuff in preparation?  Our family had few sibling rivalry issues, and I don’t recall even thinking about the possibility of strife.  In fact, Neil seemed completely unconcerned about Alan’s arrival.  Why?  Well, according to the University of Michigan “Children with the closest relationships with their mothers show the most upset after the baby is born.”  “Children with a close relationship with their father seem to adjust better.”  Grammar aside, that may explain why we avoided a lot of the most typical jealousy problems that other families face.  But, I have another theory.  This is a quote from the above mentioned link:      

“… Imagine that your partner puts an arm around you and says, ‘Honey, I love you so much, and you’re so wonderful that I’ve decided to have another wife (or husband or partner) just like you.’  When the new wife (or husband or partner) finally arrives, you see that (s)he’s very young and kind of cute. When the three of you are out together, people say hello to you politely, but exclaim ecstatically over the newcomer. ‘Isn’t (s)he adorable! Hello sweetheart… You are precious!’ Then they turn to you and ask, ‘How do you like the new wife (or husband or partner)?’…”    

We Don’t get Out Much          

Our family is tightly knit.  We don’t socialize much and we mostly keep to ourselves.  The above quote is an attempt to help parents imagine what a new sibling is like from a kid’s perspective.  It’s a good analogy, too, because it seems that might be exactly what kids think of their new brothers and sister.  But, a good part of that comparison relies on opinions and interaction with outsiders.  We don’t have anybody around, except ourselves, who would say “Isn’t (s)he adorable! Hello Sweetheart… You are precious!”  Neil probably never knew he should have been jealous because he never had to deal with being ignored by our (imaginary) social circle.  As far as Neil knew (he was 1 ½ at the time), for a while at least, Alan was nothing more than a new pet and curiosity.  When it did finally click that he had a rival, their bond was strong enough to prevent any serious conflict.  Neil did spend a month, or maybe two, regressing and trying to act like a baby, but that didn’t happen until he was 4 or 5 and it happened more because he missed being treated like a baby than any rivalry he felt with Alan.    

Sibling rivalry and new baby jealousy are real concerns for parents.  We deal with typical sibling rivalry issues around our house every day.  The boys fight, and they complain when they feel the other gets preferential treatment.  But, in terms of the immediate jealous suspicion with which a lot of older kids view their baby brothers and sisters — we didn’t experience it.  My theory is that our family is an island unto itself, and Neil would only have known he should have been jealous if someone had reminded him he had a reason to be.  Now, though, I find that it might also have had something to do with the strong bond the boys and I share relative to that which they have with Mely, which is still strong of course but not as lopsided as most families where kids don’t get as much interaction with their fathers.  Whatever the reasons for my luck in the matter, if you’re having problems and need some good advice, visit the link I provided above and read what the experts say.