The In-laws

What’s the matter with in-laws?  Mine like me, and my mom, mom, and dad really like Mely, too (mom, mom isn’t a typo.  Read about that here).   The only whiff of a problem I ever had with an in-law was 6 years ago when my father in-law called me a girl.  He’s a great guy, and things have since been smoothed over, but he suffers from the typical Mexican affliction of machismo and couldn’t come to terms with the fact that Mely was out working and I took care of the house.  Anyway, my relations with the in-laws have been good, and so have Mely’s relations with my parents.  But, it’s clear to me why some people do have problems.  I’m qualified to talk about this because I once saw a Dr. Phil show where they talked about, ummm, something about people – there was shouting, and Dr. Phil made a few witty remarks.  Anyway, I’m qualified! 

Distance 

My in-laws are in Mexico.  We see them very infrequently.  We see them so little in fact, that I wish we could visit more often.  I know, it’s a shock, I actually want to go see the in-laws.  But, since we don’t visit but once every few years, there are few chances for anybody to really start hating me.  Let it be known though, because everyone in my family loves Mely so much, that my own parents could live right next door and the only one who would get shunned or go insane would be me.  Mely and my California mom have a fantastic relationship and talk at length whenever they get the chance.  She’s a saint in everybody’s eyes (she puts on a good show – wink, wink).  

Communication  

We took pre marriage counseling classes from Mely’s pastor in Mexico before we got married 13 years ago.  I daydreamed through most of it, but there was one part I took to heart and really listened to — the gossip warnings.  The pastor said, no matter what happens, never air your marital grievances to your parents because they’ll never forget it and they’ll always hold it against your spouse.  Mely must have been listening, too, because neither of us has ever gone running to a parent after a fight.  This is a case where less communication is better communication.  We say things when we’re mad we wish we could take back.  Once you say it to a parent, you can’t take it back.  Don’t say it at all.  

Access to Grandkids  

Don’t use the kids as weapons against your parents.  No matter how messed up your own relationship is with your parents, they’ll be completely different people around the grandkids.  Don’t say things like “Johnny doesn’t want to see you.” or “I can’t have you around my kids.”  If they sense an attempt to keep them from the grand-kids, they’ll interpret that as a coordinated effort by the two of you, and they could easily blame your spouse for “putting malicious ideas into your head.”  The other alternative is that they’ll make an end-around to bypass you and start quizzing your wife or husband about not being able to see the kids.  Not wanting to be the bad guy, your spouse will be put in an impossible spot.  The point is that most grandparents will stop at nothing to see the grandkids, and if you put up a barrier, someone is going to get steamrolled, and it might be your spouse who takes it on the chin.     

Mama’s Boy  

Don’t, for the love of God, be a mama’s boy!  If your wife cooks you something, do NOT complain that your mom did it differently (thereby insinuating it was better with your mom).  Besides ruining your relationship with your wife, you’ll turn your wife against your mom.  Keep your dang mouth shut about how your mom used to cut your PB&J into triangles and remove the crusts for you.  It can do no good.  Your wife and your mom are already probably on suspicious terms with each other concerning ownership of said – you.  

Keep them In Line  

I don’t know what it is about women, but they sure can be mean to each other.  If your mom is the sort who comes to visit and can’t help criticizing the house, the food, your kids’ cleanliness, etc… , your wife will not appreciate it.  Where we men can ignore small slights, women don’t.  They remember everything.  It would be the better part of valor to keep those situations from happening by stepping in to defend your wife without casting off your mother.  All your mom really wants anyway is to know you still listen to her.   Your wife will feel good that you’re on her side and your mom will feel good that you communicated your love for her.   The overbearing mother is a bit of a stereotype that I’ve never actually seen firsthand.  Nevertheless, I have it on good authority that it exists.  

I’ve met people who can’t stand their in-laws.  I can’t be sure what their individual reasons are for the hatred, but I suspect it probably falls under one of the above categories.  It’s a case of too much proximity, unfavorable comparisons (one way or the other) between a wife and mother in-law, something to do with the grand kids or just general bitching about who knows what.  The point here is this:  if you want to have good relations with your in-laws, keep a low profile, don’t restrict access to the grand kids, and keep your personal business between you and your wife.   

Did I forget something?  Have your experiences with the in-laws been good ones?  I’m not an expert on any of this stuff obviously so if there are any actual experts in the house, feel free to tell me what bits I left out.