Too Strict? It Depends on the Kid

    

I saw a questionnaire in this month’s Parent magazine (which I read for amusement while hanging at the bookstore) that purports to be able to discern the effectiveness of your parenting method by way of a 10 question quiz.  Like many half baked, self scoring, magazine based personality quizzes this one asks questions like “How many hours of digital media do you allow your child to consume per day?” and the answers, listed A through C, are arranged so that all the A responses are seriously and absurdly permissive while all the C’s indicated that you might be a fascist.  Obviously, then, the only rational answers are the ones that fall right in the middle, the B’s, leaving only one right answer.  Naturally, though, it’s all a pretext to an article about how you and your parenting ought to be completely phlegmatic – not tailored in any way to your child’s unique disposition.  That’s what you get when you read Parent magazine and others like it.  You get opinions that aren’t as much opinions as equivocal hogwash meant to offend the least number of people while simultaneously achieving the greatest potential circulation.   Profits, not parenting.        

Not Serious:        

Online Intelligence tests, personality tests and magazine quizzes are completely harmless if you read them knowing they’re not really intended to gauge anything.  Their only purpose is to make you feel like you’re doing something right so they can sell you something – flattery.  “You’re a genius!  Now buy some ring tones.”   “You’re a perfect parent! Now subscribe to our magazine and buy some stuff from our advertisers.”  The last thing anybody should do with these tests though is to take them seriously.  Your parenting, like mine, is not by the book.  Have you ever seen parents who do it by the book?  They try to keep calm.  They never spank or yell or otherwise lose their cool for fear that it’ll permanently screw up their kids.  You know what will permanently screw up kids?  The belief that their parents don’t give enough of a crap about what they’re doing to get mad.        

You Aren’t a Robot:        

There’s no such thing as perfect parenting.  When your kid does something you have a right to be mad about, get mad.  If you’re a good person, trying your best to be a good parent, you’re probably doing it right.  You aren’t a robot – sometimes you’ll fly off the handle and act a little irrationally.  You’re kid might look at you cross eyed, but at least he knows you care.  It’s much worse to be impassive and have a kid who’s sole mission in life becomes to find out how to get emotion out of you.  If you’re a parent who employs discipline by following a step by step psychology guide to kids, and you believe your kids are angels as a result, you’re probably not a good parent, and your kids are likely monsters that people barely tolerate.  Likewise, if you’re a fascist about the spanking issue – believing that all spanking leads to maladjusted and psychotic kids, you must be pretty confident in your superiority.  I’ll let you in on a little secret.  People secretly think you’re an annoying know it all.  Discipline isn’t a one size fits all proposition.  My littlest boy has never needed a spanking.  He’s too sensitive and a spanking wouldn’t be good for him.  My oldest boy though is a different matter.  He needed it, I did it, and it helped him.  Tell me I did wrong when he’s grown up and you can see how he turns out, and especially wait until your own kid grows up before proclaiming your own superiority.        

No Need to Listen to the Naysayers:        

Whether it’s about spanking or something else, there will always be people who think you’re a terrible parent.  Magazines, neighbors, family and friends will all, at times, give you parenting advice.  Some of them will be constructive and worth listening to – others will be offensive and pompous.  Listen to the ones you really think have something to add to the discussion.  Don’t listen to the people who just want to drag you down.  The odds are overwhelming in your favor that you’re doing a good parenting job.  Do you do it like me?  Probably not.  You should parent in harmony with your nature.  You’re nature is rational first and foremost, but it’s also unique to you.  Approach parenting like you’d approach a game of chess.  Some players are aggressive, some are defensive.  As long as the players are competent there are many ways to play the game.  The goal is to win, and a winner is only determined after the game is played.  Your parenting method will be judged by its results.  Don’t listen to a player at the next table telling you to be more defensive like them, especially if they’re in the middle of their own game or have already lost and are now finding the time to “assist” you.  Maybe your aggressive nature is just what your situation calls for.  Maybe not.  Adjust as you see necessary in accordance with the flow of action.