First Girlfriend or First Friend who’s a Girl?

    

Boys can enter puberty anywhere from about age 9 to 13.  Obviously it stands to reason that’s when they’ll become interested in girls.  But, a boy doesn’t have to have a physical attraction to girls to enjoy being around them.  My 7 year old is evidence of that.  He’s the first of his male friends to successfully interact with the girls at his gymnastics class and at the pool (where he spends a lot of time).  The other boys his age seem universally opposed to the idea that girls are worth spending time with, and they show their disapproval (which is really disguised approval) by acting like buffoons around them.  When I was a kid I turned into a slobbering idiot anytime a girl approached me.  I had no social skills (I still lack a bit in that department).  Even when my friends started talking to girls, I stayed away because I was shy.  I didn’t have by first girlfriend until college (sad, I know).        

So why has Neil decided to buck the trend and make friends with the enemy?  Here’s my theory:  in addition to having friends his own age, he also spends time with a group of older kids who treat him as something of their mascot (though they do genuinely like him).  I think he’s picking up cues from some of his 10 to 12 year old friends.  I don’t think he’s interested in girls as much as he’s simply unafraid to talk to them.  The result is that he’s found friends in girls, not that he necessarily has a girl-friend (although I can see some elements of that).  And that’s good.  It means he’s expanded his horizons and now has a bigger pool from which to draw ideas and comradeship.  The fact that he has overcome a hurdle that so many boys stumble on, the ability to act normal around a girl, makes me proud.  He’s done something at 7 that took me 20 years (at least) to accomplish.      

Confusion:        

Neil found a girl at our community pool (she’s 8 years old) who he has decided he likes.  Reciprocally she has also decided that she likes him.  This has obliged me to show up at the pool when Neil tells me to show up at the pool so he can meet his new girl-friend who has, in female fashion, told him to tell me to show up at this given time.  However, they aren’t really an item.  What they are is two friends hanging out together.  He treats her almost the same as he treats any of his friends who are boys.  The exception is that I can see his brain working when she talks to him.  He is also more deferential to her than he is with his male friends allowing her to go first on the slides and things like that.  But, they do gender neutral activities, and neither of them seems to have any sort of identity conflict going on.  I think it’s good for both of them even though I admit the mutual subtle confusion is entertaining from my perspective.        

Puppy Love:        

 There was a girl I met in 3^rd grade who completely had me wrapped around her little finger – even though she barely knew I existed.  That’s how puppy love works from a boy’s point of view.  At some point you meet a girl, your senses fail you, and you end up willing to do anything just to be around this object of your affection.  But, from a girl’s perspective – well, I don’t know because I never found out.  I suffered from a series of these sorts of feelings starting in 3^rd grade and continuing all the way through high school.  Did I mention how pathetic that is?  It’s pretty sad.  Neil, I think, is starting to experience his first bout of puppy love.  Except, unlike me, he’s getting off to a good start.        

What’s the Difference?        

The difference, in my mind, is pretty clear.  He doesn’t have anybody telling him he can’t.  He has a high quality group of friends who are supportive of him, and he has yet to experience bullying or peer pressure.  Some kids, like me when I was that age, are followers.  They rely on the approval of others for their strength.  If these insecure people aren’t accepted, they wilt and dejectedly melt into the background.  I was lucky though because I had an escape – athletics.  I used winning at sports as compensation for my social awkwardness.  Thanks to that little recourse, I’ve grown into a new skin and am a completely different person than I was 25 years ago.  Neil though, in this respect, is not like me.  He has enough social confidence to fuel a couple of kids his age.  He got it from never being told something isn’t possible.  He has no competition.  If he wants to make friends with a girl, that’s exactly what he’s going to do because nobody ever told him he shouldn’t.   And, when he does experience rejection, he’ll have enough reserve confidence to keep plowing ahead despite the setback.