Homeschooling: I’m Better Than You or How to be Reviled

Homeschooling families get defensive when they hear veiled assumptions from people who believe our homeschooling kids are going to end up as misfit social outcasts.  They say we overprotect them and that we lead reclusive lives.  If you’re a homeschooler, you’ve heard it, the presumptive question about socialization. The question is “Well, what are you doing to socialize them?” The assumption in that question is that we need to do something special to make our kids normal. We are understandably irked by that question because we know it’s no more valid to ask of us than it would be for us to ask a public school parent what they’re doing to socialize their kids to the outside world (outside of school that is).  Our kids don’t pee themselves from fear when they meet new people, and we don’t need to do anything special to prevent it.  Even though the socialization assumption has already been proven false (read about that here) people will still have their opinions and we can’t stop it.      

But, we aren’t free from blame in this us vs. them back and forth either.  I had an interesting discussion with a gymnastics mom today about homeschooling.  She asked me the socialization question which I answered with my typical canned response.  Then, after a brief pause (I presume she was processing what I said), we continued our discussion.  But, somehow the socialization answer seemed to make her defensive.  Her body language changed, and her tone became a little less friendly.  I was conscious of the turn in her disposition.  Not wanting to have the discussion in the first place and definitely not wanting to offend her, I gave her as straight and as truthful answers as I could.  And that’s when it dawned on me that she thought I was talking down to her.  And, without consciously doing it, I think I was.  I’ve answered the socialization question so many times that I automatically think anybody who asks it is a buffoon.  She thought she was asking something new and witty without realizing it’s the number one question we homeschoolers get asked and we’re sick of the stupidity (there I go again).   But, who cares who started it.  Did I talk to her like she’s an idiot before she talked to me like a child abuser?  It doesn’t matter because I do think she’s an idiot and she probably really does think I’m a bad dad.      

Indirect Competition:      

All our kids, homeschooled or not, are going to have to compete for good jobs, spots on sports teams, girlfriends (or boyfriends), etc…  Life is all about being the best you can be, and that means some people are going to win and some will lose.  Competition is in our nature; it’s unavoidable.  But, will my gymnastics acquaintance hurt me with her words?  Is she of any concern to me?  Is she a competitor of mine?  No.  Then why do I need to make a point of her ignorance, albeit subconsciously, when I feel attacked by a dumb question?  Why do I use my rhetorical skills to take digs at her if I don’t have to?  Her ignorance should not penetrate the inner workings of my mind.  Likewise, why should she feel the need to question the social aptitude of my kid who’s playing with all the other kids (who don’t know he’s homeschooled) not more than 30 feet away?  What does she have to fear from me?  Am I a threat to her?  No.  Like dad always told us, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”  Amen.  If the time came to compete with her for something that actually mattered then I can focus my energies on that fight, which will not have anything to do with my schooling choice or hers.      

Different is Bad: (apostasy)      

The standard in this country is public schooling.  Homeschoolers, while not exactly rare, are a tiny minority of the overall schooling population.  But, we’re different, and people don’t tend to like different.  If you tell people you homeschool, a common reaction is for them to subtly imply there must be something wrong with your method.  Think of it this way:  when someone says something about what their kid does in school (public school), I don’t say a word.  In fact, it barely registers that they said anything (because I don’t care about what their kid did).  But, when I say something about our homeschooling, I frequently get a defensive comment or a snarky question from someone I’m either talking to or from anybody else within earshot who feels they need to lend their two cents.  Sometimes it’s just innocent curiosity; usually it isn’t.  Usually I find myself on the defensive, having to defend my methods from aggressive questioning, or having to defend my politics.  Over time, as I’ve refined my ability to coherently answer homeschooling questions, I’ve started treating their questions a little sardonically.  I didn’t notice it at first, but now I’m conscious of it.  I definitely mock people who I don’t respect.  It’s become an unnecessary battle.      

Returning to Zero:      

So, after realizing that I’m contributing to the public perception that we homeschoolers think we’re better than everybody else, I am putting down my hammer and returning to my original state of placid indifference.  It doesn’t matter who started the fight.  Was it me talking down to my neighbor or was it my neighbor attacking me that started it?  What really matters is that our kids get the education we have planned for them.  Talking about it in a group setting, as I think we’ve all discovered, is not helpful.  We feel attacked, we retaliate, and the only ones who potentially suffer are the kids who, even though they’re directly competing with each other, seem to get along just fine.