What can Cicero Teach us About Practical Parenting?

Marcus Tullius Cicero was proscribed and assassinated by the second triumvirate in 43 BC.  He’s known as Rome’s most accomplished orator and one of its best politicians.  Among his claims to fame is his opposition to Julius Caesar and later his failed attempt to bring back the Republic by denouncing Mark Antony after Caesar’s assassination.  He was pardoned in the first instance after Pompey’s defeat and his return to Rome, but he couldn’t escape the wrath of Mark Antony, Octavian and Lepidus.  He was hunted down and killed as an enemy of the state.  Decapitated, hands cut off, and mutilated further by Antony’s wife, Fulvia. Tullius, despite his rectitude and loyalty to Rome, fell victim to the political passions of his time.  Years later Octavian (Augustus) caught his grandson reading a book written by Cicero.  The grandson tried to hide the book for fear his grandfather would be angry.  Instead Augustus took the book, read a little himself and handed it back saying “He was a learned man, dear child, a learned man who loved his country.”*    

Imperfection is a reality of being human and parents are not immune.  With mistakes come consequences.  And, as in all things, it’s the end product of our work that defines our success or failure.  As politicians like to say, and which is absolutely true, history will be the judge of us.  Cicero’s overall contributions to history are huge.  58 of his original 88 speeches survived the middle ages thanks to the Christian monks at the time who revered his thoughts on politics, morals, and ethics even though Cicero himself was an agnostic and the monks knew it (he would not have been sympathetic to the church had he lived in the Christian era).  His influence has stretched without abatement into modern times.  Yet, Cicero was as imperfect himself as most of us are.  He married for convenience and divorced 30 years later to marry a younger woman (who he also divorced).  He believed in the amassing of wealth and material goods as necessary components to seek virtue (he was a materialist).  He was also prone to what we know as the “flip-flop”; he frequently changed opinions and allegiances depending on the political winds at the time.  But, through all of that he held firmly to one belief which permeated his writing and all of his flaws.  He believed in the Republic.    

Believe in Something:    

Your parenting is going to be pockmarked with mistakes.  Therefore, get used to the idea of being criticized and accused, and get used to standing up for yourself when the need presents itself.  At the same time though there isn’t anything wrong with wanting to be appreciated and accepted by others.  Part of being human is being social.  We learned compromise almost as soon as we learned how to build fire.  Bending a little to suit circumstances or compromising some less important beliefs for the sake of harmony can make navigating your way through this sea of discordant voices a lot easier.  Don’t be ashamed when a hurricane comes and you have to act more like a reed than an oak.  But, while you’re trying to get by, keep in mind your core beliefs whatever they may be, and don’t compromise them. Certain things are worth the consequences when you know there is something bigger than yourself that you’re fighting for.  You have an idea about how you want to raise your kids.  The goal, then, is to get to where you want to go in a way that is pain free but still virtuous.  There’s no sense in being a martyr if nobody remembers why you’re martyred and nobody cares.  Likewise, there’s no sense in being a rigid fanatic about something that doesn’t pertain to your goal of being a good parent and producing good kids.  Know what’s important and do that well.  The rest is mostly expendable.  Cicero isn’t primarily remembered as being an opportunist, he’s remembered as being a defender of the Republic.   

*Works of Marcus Tullius Cicero. Includes On Moral Duties (De Officiis), Academica, Complete Orations, and more [Kindle Edition]