The Etiquette of the One Night Stand

So apparently the newly single Derek Jeter sends his one night stands home with a signed baseball, we’re guessing as a little way to remember the Jeter experience. It’s not exactly the most tasteful of parting practices, but then again, how many of us know exactly the right way to part ways after a one nighter?

While there are no official rules, there are some definite do’s and don’ts. And so, as a single lady in her twenties, I’m going to share a little female insight on the matter. (While we’re on the subject of female insight–putting Guetta on when we get to your place does not, I repeat, does not set the mood.)

You and your buddies have decided to head out for the night. It’s now more than a few beers and some tequila shots later….wait, or were those shots of Jack? No matter; turns out a little swagger on your part plus some luck on the universe’s part and you’ve wound up back at your place in bed with a girl whose name you can’t quite remember. Sarah? Shauna? Honestly, all you know is that it starts with an “S” and that it’s two syllables… or is it three?

After dozing off into a drunken sleep, the sun is now up and and suddenly you’re hyper-aware that you basically have a stranger asleep next to you in bed. A stranger whose name could be one of the hundreds of two syllable “S” girls’ names. Now what?

Whatever you do boys, don’t make it awkward! There are few things worse for a girl than to wake up naked in some dude’s bed, last night’s borderline-tranny make-up still caked on, feeling hungover and wondering what the least shameful way to get home is.

To then have super awkward interactions with said dude is too much for even the most graceful girls to bear.
Instead, keep the conversation light and funny. Playfully try to piece together the night (we’re sure she remembers as little as you do), or chat about anything else casual and frothy. This means no emotional vomiting! (Any other vomiting can be done in the privacy of your washroom… with mouthwash to follow)

Don’t go on and on about friend drama that occurred last night. and most of all do not talk about an ex. You’ll go from casual to awkward in five seconds flat, guaranteed.

If she’s a normal girl and not some stage 5 clinger, then she’s eager to go home, shower, and change out of her teeny tiny clubbing outfit! Be a gentleman and offer her something to drink or eat while she collects her things. Men, offering something to eat does not mean you’re proposing a relationship with her.

We’re not saying you should bust out the waffle iron and make a loving breakfast, we’re just saying you’re with another human being who drank her face off last night and is probably parched and hungry. Be a decent dude and at least offer. Chances are she’ll decline and be on her way.

Now this is where your decency as a gentleman is really put to the test. Guys who simply wave goodbye to a chick and head back to bed are one thing in the mind of a woman: assholes. Some sort of parting interaction is needed, whether it’s a hug, a peck on the cheek or otherwise.

Ask her if she knows where she’s heading or if you can call her a cab. It’s the least you can do, considering you’re all comfy in your home and she’s still a bit of a mess from last night and likely doesn’t’ t know where the heck she is. If she needs directions, give them to her. In most cases, a call to a cab will suffice.

There you have it! The most pleasant and proper way to handle a one night stand. Even if you never plan on seeing this girl again, at least you’ve exited the situation being a good guy. And hey, isn’t it nice to know that you can one-up the great Jeter in at least one area? A little class goes a long way, no signed baseballs necessary!

By Sheila Hui